Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Mother Nature as Nazi Stormtrooper

It is rare that New Yorkers perceive another American city as more stressful than their own.

The last time it happened was two summers ago when Katrina devastated New Orleans and now we are in the throes of another such moment as the nation -- nay, the entire world -- watches San Diego burn.

Because The Colbert Report was replaying last week's shows, HOBB and I tuned into CNN last night at 11:30 and spent an entire hour glued to the tube. First, America's sweetheart Anderson Cooper collected dispatches from San Diegans who had fled their homes while camera crews filmed scary reports from correspondents in the field, fire fighters and officials. Then, at midnight, as if America hadn't had its fill of tragic scenery, the baton was passed to a funereal Larry King who emceed the horror show from the safety of his CNN studio.

Naturally, the televised images were not the first I had seen, in fact, I had spent most of the day flipping computer screens between my email and the homepages of;;;; in addition to Reuters; the AP; the local San Diego paper -- the Union Tribune; blogs; sites belonging to local synagogues, the local Jewish Federation and the JCC; and other venues from the purgatory that has become San Diego, California.

Like the death toll in Iraq, the numbers of evacuated residents kept rising, the number of homes and businesses destroyed kept getting higher.

Friends who felt safe on Monday were packing their vans up by Tuesday and heading to hotels or family in other states. In my mind, I transported myself into their beautiful homes, recalling my last trip to the area, how I marveled at the flawless weather, the utterly calm feeling of Southern California.

How I indulged in that snide, Woody-Allenesque East Coast supremacy, secretly curling up my lip in disdain for the utter lack of stress or adversity in the lives of our San Diego friends.

Remembering how I scoffed at the fact that there were even weather reports on the news, how I quipped that television stations would save a bundle by firing their meteorologists and simply printing a sign that contained a single word -- PERFECT -- which they could flash on the screen to report describe the day's weather.

And perfect still applies, as in perfectly horrible. Perfectly shocking. Perfectly devastating.

Or, as some have said, The Perfect (Fire)Storm, the confluence of all the factors that culminated in this holocaust.

The way that the flames of the San Diego wildfires have moved over the hills and through the canyons reminds me of nothing more than SS stormtroopers moving in on the unsuspecting and innocent populace.

Yes, this is the way events appear to this Jewish New Yorker as she witnesses the devastation of San Diego: Mother Nature has turned into a Nazi -- homicidal, hateful, bent on sheer and total annihilation.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Because I fell asleep on the black leather couch last night while Anderson Cooper was replaying Matt Lauer's cringe-worthy interview with international laughing stock and Republican liability Senator Larry Craig and his pretending-to-trust-him-and-trying-really-hard-not-to-grimace wife, I missed Stephen Colbert's announcement on The Colbert Report that he was kinda considering running for president of the U.S.A.

However, through the magic of YouTube and my ability to spell Stephen Colbert's name correctly, I was able to recapture this media moment where ingenuity, satire and the dawning realization "hey, that's not a half-bad idea!" merged in simultaneous orgasmic oneness.

But "hey, that's not a half-bad idea!" is the understatement of the 21st Century.

Colbert's prankish announcement is the most uplifting, greatest, fully flipping amazing news our nation has had since September 10th 2001.

We all know that Stephen Colbert (previously referred to in this blog as my BF, a fact that I'll just have to confront honestly yet noisily in the media) is a natural winner. However, to win the election as the first Democratic/Republican presidential contender, he'll need a brilliant campaign manager -- a well-connected, Manhattan-based strategist whose thinking is so far out of the box as to be off the wall.

Such a campaign manager would ideally be a woman, prefer short skirts and boots, possess a supernaturally high energy level, be madly in love with her client, have a way with words, be capable of courting the press, love to travel, have, oh, about three photogenic children and a husband with no pending lawsuits against him and be able to hide evidence of her past unpaid parking tickets, ignored jury duty summonses, unreturned library books, unpaid pledges to college radio stations, under-decorated apartment, penchant for watching YouTube videos of questionable artistic and moral value, the kitten she once abandoned in a Westchester parking lot, her fondness for visiting Before and After plastic surgery websites and refusal to buy age-appropriate clothes or even shop at any store other than Target, Old Navy, H&M, Loehmann's and Forever 21.

In other words, I hereby announce my candidacy for the position of Stephen Colbert's campaign manager.

And if I haven't managed to convince you that I would be the most kick-ass campaign manager ever, here's one more unique selling point: the smart-aleky yet Catholic Colbert would benefit enormously from teaming up with a smart-aleky yet Jewish gal.

Together, we would epitomize the Judeo-Christian image America likes to have of itself.

So, Comedy Central and Mr. Colbert, I hope you are reading this.

America is hot for Stephen and so am I.

Friday, October 12, 2007

How to Perfect Ann Coulter

Okay, this one is simply too easy.

The poster grrrl for neocon outrageousness, the horsey Ann Coulter, opened her yap again, this time to Donny Deutsch on national television.

This dispatch, from

Conservative commentator and best-selling author Ann Coulter may find herself in the midst of a controversy for comments Monday suggesting America would be better if everyone was Christian.

Asked by CNBC host Donny Deutsch what the U.S. looks like in her dreams, Coulter said it would look like the Republican National Convention in 2004

"People were happy,” she said, according to a transcript provided to CNN by CNBC. “They're Christian. They're tolerant. They defend America." (Video: Watch Coulter's comments on CNBC)

When Deutsch responded, "It would be better if we were all Christian?" Coulter said "Yeah."

Deutsch, himself Jewish, continued to press Coulter on her remarks, asking, "We should just throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians then?"

"Yeah," Coulter responded, adding "Well, it's a lot easier. It's kind of a fast track."

"You can't possibly believe that," Deutsch responded. “You can’t possibly. You’re too educated.”

"Do you know what Christianity is?" Coulter replied. "See, we believe your religion, but you have to obey. We have the fast track program."

Later in the interview Deutsch asked Coulter if she doesn't want any Jews in the world, Coulter responded, "No, we think — we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say."

"Wow, you didn't really say that, did you," Deutsch said.

Oh yes, she did.

Knowing that the cameras were rolling and the eyes and ears of the nation would once again be trained on her.

No surprise with this calculating fascist media whore, just the latest in a series of verbal scud missiles.

Who knows what the hell she really believes and who the hell cares?

But since we're talking about getting perfected, I've got a great suggestion for Ann Coulter:

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

In other words, shut your stupid mouth.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Hello Muddah, Berlin-Style

Whilst walking Alfie the Pomeranian at 7:30 this morning, my Crackberry vibrated with the promise of a new incoming e-mail.

Digging the addictive device out of my raincoat pocket (hastily thrown atop my shorts and bra-less t-shirt so as not to scandalize Morningside Heights, esp my disgraced neighbor Lee Bollinger), I saw that the new missive was from none other than Big Babe, my firstborn, recently graduated from Columbia U and now based in Berlin.

Two days ago, I bought a mega-cheapo ticket to Berlin (Delta, direct, nonstop, round-trip for $450!!!!!!!) to see my son and the news of my impending arrival awakened that instinctual impulse shared by offspring of all ages: the instant awareness of things lacking in one's life and the composition of a list of such items to be shlepped by one's parents, often internationally.

With Big Babe's permission, I am hereby reproducing his request list:

1. Books from that bag I left in the dining room: Updike collected stories, a few others that can be chosen at random. I forget what's there...possibly Schnitzler and Svevo? Naked Lunch??? I really am at a loss.
2. Gap 3/4 peacoat (hanging in front of house)
3. A couple of scarves (you know 'em)
4. My leather gloves (should be in some coat pocket)
5. A few blazers from my closet. Green corduroy banana republic one; somewhat stiff brown cord one w/big pockets (you know it)...whatever else you feel is classy enough.
7. A couple button-down shirts (same instructions)
6. Some more Henley shirts (in hideous cupboard next to closet)...and another sweater or two (black wool turtle-neck and maybe a zip-up or two)
7. My pleather fender shoes (ersatz converse)
8. a pound of Zabar's coffee (F.I., ground for Melitta)
9. More pairs of socks!!! (alle Farben)
10. A warm cap / hat - like that stupid black thing with the pompom
11. Anything else that you think would improve my quality of life here
12. My portable typewriter - only if it isn't too much of a pain in the ass
13. Hyemin
14. The Complete New Yorker - it's on the shelf in the livingroom. If the whole things too much of a hassel, then take the discs out and put them in the protective vinyl sleeves I have in my room inside that CD / DVD storage box.
15. Before I left, I was looking everywhere for a notebook that says "World Turned Upside Down" on it. It's a thin (50 sheets), beige and classy notebook with non-recycled paper...It should be 1/2 filled up. Maybe it made its way into the piano bench or with elsewhere with sheet music. No need to turn the house upside down to look for it...but if you do see it lying around, please bring it.
16. My opera throw with the Chagall design on it. It's rather light and non-bulky.

OK...I think that's about it. Remember, all these items and quantities are negotiable...and Dependant on what you can physically bring with you. I can even meet you at the airport if you need help!

Luv ya!

So....there you have it. The modern Wish List of an American in Berlin. To learn more about Big Babe, visit his amazing blog at

And stay tuned for word of Middle Babe's Wish List from Towson, Maryland. We're planning to visit her the weekend before I fly to Berlin. She has warned me that her list is extensive and might require many trips to Target.

Donations can be made to Bungalow Babe in the Big City.

Earmark the funds Hello Muddah.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Stephen, Be My Hero Tonight!

(Ben Gurion International Airport, Israel) -- It is 4:20 a.m. and the boarding for my flight to New York via Prague begins in five minutes.

Naturally, I'm seated near the illy counter, drinking a double cappuccino and eating chocolate cake...and writing on my laptop.

Next to me, Little Babe is plugged into his Mac, watching the Top Ten Naruto Jutsu.
Just before closing my computer down at my sister's place in Har Adar and throwing my luggage into the waiting taxi, I learned something very disturbing about tonight's Colbert Report, which I cannot watch, alas, since I will be en route to Prague.

So disturbing was it that I couldn't board my flight without registering the following plea to my BF Stephen Colbert.

Here it is:

Dear Stephen,

During the day, it came to my attention that on your show tonight you will host a nefarious person by the name of John Mearsheimer. He is one half of the duo responsible for the book The Israel Lobby and US Foreign Policy, which revives the basic theme of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

That theme is: The Jews did it.


Everything, beginning with dragging the US into the Iraq War.

Because of Israel and their greater loyalty as Jews than Americans.

And come to think of it, Israel probably shouldn't exist. Yeah, once upon a time there was widespread American and world support, but it is time to drop that charade.

Because Israel is full of controlling Jews who in turn control US Foreign Policy.

The issue is Jews and control, you see. But really, it is Jews and power. A paradigm the world cannot accept.

The Jews, state Mearsheimer and his writing buddy Stephen Walt, exert this supernatural control over things. And with their amazing power, which is wielded chiefly through this dangerous entity called THE ISRAEL LOBBY, they control YOUR life!

Thankfully, in the United States, Mearsheimer and Walt's poorly-researched, outrageous book has not gotten rave reviews. A recent, measured New York Times Book Review by Leslie Gelb basically decimated the work. Also, check out Jeffrey Goldberg's whip-smart write-up in The New Republic.

Too many other intelligent reviewers, while stopping short of praising the work, nevertheless refrain from calling it what it is.

Perhaps because -- in a baffling and illogical leap -- the Israel Lobby conspiracy camp is quick to accuse their detractors of censorship or stifling debate.

They scoff that the default mode of their critics is the overused charge of anti-Semitism.

Well....this new breed of university-bred anti-Zionism is indeed anti-Semitism...simply adorned in the socially-acceptable sheep's clothing of academia.

So, Stephen, while I will admit that I was dismayed to hear that Mearsheimer will grace your show tonight, I am still holding out hope that you will remove the wooly cover and reveal the wolf beneath.

You are bold.

You are fearless.

Out him and his cronies as the Jew-haters they are.

Rah, rah, ree! Kick him in the knee!

Rah, rah, rass! Kick him in the other knee!

Nah....kick him in the ass.



Bungalow Babe