Wednesday, October 17, 2007
MEDIA ADVISORY: BUNGALOW BABE TO MANAGE STEPHEN COLBERT'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
Because I fell asleep on the black leather couch last night while Anderson Cooper was replaying Matt Lauer's cringe-worthy interview with international laughing stock and Republican liability Senator Larry Craig and his pretending-to-trust-him-and-trying-really-hard-not-to-grimace wife, I missed Stephen Colbert's announcement on The Colbert Report that he was kinda considering running for president of the U.S.A.
However, through the magic of YouTube and my ability to spell Stephen Colbert's name correctly, I was able to recapture this media moment where ingenuity, satire and the dawning realization "hey, that's not a half-bad idea!" merged in simultaneous orgasmic oneness.
But "hey, that's not a half-bad idea!" is the understatement of the 21st Century.
Colbert's prankish announcement is the most uplifting, greatest, fully flipping amazing news our nation has had since September 10th 2001.
We all know that Stephen Colbert (previously referred to in this blog as my BF, a fact that I'll just have to confront honestly yet noisily in the media) is a natural winner. However, to win the election as the first Democratic/Republican presidential contender, he'll need a brilliant campaign manager -- a well-connected, Manhattan-based strategist whose thinking is so far out of the box as to be off the wall.
Such a campaign manager would ideally be a woman, prefer short skirts and boots, possess a supernaturally high energy level, be madly in love with her client, have a way with words, be capable of courting the press, love to travel, have, oh, about three photogenic children and a husband with no pending lawsuits against him and be able to hide evidence of her past unpaid parking tickets, ignored jury duty summonses, unreturned library books, unpaid pledges to college radio stations, under-decorated apartment, penchant for watching YouTube videos of questionable artistic and moral value, the kitten she once abandoned in a Westchester parking lot, her fondness for visiting Before and After plastic surgery websites and refusal to buy age-appropriate clothes or even shop at any store other than Target, Old Navy, H&M, Loehmann's and Forever 21.
In other words, I hereby announce my candidacy for the position of Stephen Colbert's campaign manager.
And if I haven't managed to convince you that I would be the most kick-ass campaign manager ever, here's one more unique selling point: the smart-aleky yet Catholic Colbert would benefit enormously from teaming up with a smart-aleky yet Jewish gal.
Together, we would epitomize the Judeo-Christian image America likes to have of itself.
So, Comedy Central and Mr. Colbert, I hope you are reading this.
America is hot for Stephen and so am I.